A Letter To My Angel, My Brother…

Dear Karl,

4:44am the time reads as I start to write these words. I’m seeing these supposed angel numbers all the time these past 4 weeks, on a constant basis. It’s Friday, December 13th 2019, Christmas just around the corner, and I lie here dreading the thought of waking up Christmas morning, a feeling I’ve never experienced before. Why? Because something I’ve also never experienced before is Christmas morning without you, and I don’t know how I’m going to cope with that feeling, I’m just going to have to go with the flow and the emotions that come with it.

November 11th, we got the news we expected quite a few times, but each time you proved us wrong, being the fighter you always are. This time though, it was different, we all felt it, we could see it in you, it was our turn to be strong for you. If I was to attempt to try to put that week into words, I will fail over and over again. Even if you experience it yourself, you never can. The only way I can describe it would be doing what you can, while you can, hoping that it would help, even though deep down you knew what was coming in the end.

It has taken me nearly 4 weeks to write this, and I’m still lost for words. How strong you are, the impact you have on the lives of everyone you ever met, the joy you brought in the lives everyone you ever met, no one will ever be able to describe. You lit up the room with your smile, you filled the room and the hearts of everyone in the room with your laugh, you truly are a real life angel, brother.

I have never met anyone, and never will again, meet anyone like you. Every time we were told to prepare for the worst, you fought with all you could, you never gave up, and always pulled through. I will never understand how you went through so much, still smiling and laughing. If you could talk I know you would say “what are you all worrying about? I’m grand”.

August 29th 1998, I held you for the first time, only a few hours old. Every moment since, I felt so, so lucky to be your big sister, and did whatever I could to protect you. You only need to look at photos to see how happy we make each other, and the bond we shared. There’s a brother and sister love, but everyone that knows us says that our went deeper, it was extra special, and I hold that in my heart forever.

If I was to write about all our memories we would be here forever, but I do want to mention one or two to give the readers a glimpse into your personality. Always full of mischief, and you could never have anything valuable too close to that arm of yours. From pulling curtains, curtain holders, Christmas garlands, wigs (but we won’t get into that, ha ha!) and smashing Mam’s huge, expensive favorite candle, to the dance parties we had, you know how to make a good day, or a shit day, a much better one. You just know that if you were having a bad day at work, the minute you came home and opened the door and looked through to the sitting room, your face would be peering round with a big grin, and it would all be okay.

November 17th 2019, our lives changed forever. You gained your so deserved angel wings, and flew to Heaven. Our hearts are shattered ever since, but you, my angel, are free. You’re free from all the illness, all the pain and suffering, free from your wheelchair, and now running and dancing your big heart out. You’re free to also talk and sing the ears off our loved ones in heaven, and brother, please do all of that to your heart’s content. I hope and pray that your happy, that’s all I want to hear.

21 amazing years you gave us with you, and countless memories, smiles, laughs, tears, life lessons, the whole lot. Not only the house, but the school, feels so empty without you. Learning how to live without you is literally something we will have to learn, because the days are so empty without you too. We’re still finding ourselves looking at the clock, and saying “oh, Karl would have needed his feed and meds now” or “oh, no night nurse coming”. But, we have to live life now, for you, because I know you’re living it with us, and looking after us, sending us the strength to get through this. The most important lesson you taught everyone is to never take anything for granted, life is far too short. There’s a quote above your bed that reads “Enjoy Every Moment” , and that you did Karl. That’s why we have to now, for you, and I promise you this brother, you will always live on through us, you left such a huge legacy, you will never stop being spoken about, ever.

There’s so much to be sad for, and yes, there always will be and has been those moments where the pain is physically there in your chest, but I won’t dwell on that, because there’s so much more to be thankful for.

Thank you for choosing me as your big sister, thank you for being such a big part of our lives. Thank you for all the love and joy you brought to our lives, thank you for being you. Thank you in advance for helping us through this and filling that emptiness, because I know you will.

King Karl, my superhero, I miss you so much, I love you even more.

Merry Christmas buddy.

All my love,

Your big sis always,

Laura xxx

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